


Breaking Bad Bits

by heyjupiter



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Alternate Universe - Zombies, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-03-14 12:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3409847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjupiter/pseuds/heyjupiter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a catchall collection of Breaking Bad ficlets I've written for various Tumblr & Livejournal memes and prompts. Vampire AUs, crossovers, and more!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vampire AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "In honour of Breaking Bad Dawn: Marie & Lydia, vampire AU."

Marie looks up from the coyote carcass she was feasting on and says, “Hey, do you think I can’t see you hiding up there? I have vampire vision, you know.”

After a pause, a petite brunette vampire with sparkling skin and oversized sunglasses leaps down from the rock outcropping. She lands gracefully, peers down at Marie over her sunglasses, and says, “You ‘vegetarian’ vampires,” with a faint sneer.

Marie looks up into the woman’s red eyes and says, “Whoa, whoa. You’ve been hunting humans? Around Albuquerque? This is our territory.”

"Yes, I know all about you and your coven."

"Well, I don’t think we’ve met," Marie says.

"I’m Lydia."

"So what do you want?" Marie asks, rising to her feet and licking the blood from her lips. She’s still a bit hungry, but already she feels stronger than she had before her hunt.

"I—" Lydia hesitates. "I need to ask for your help."

Marie raises her eyebrows. “Oh?”

"It’s not for me. It’s… my daughter… the Volturi are coming for her."

"You turned a child?"

"No, no, it’s not like that, it’s… please, I can pay you."

"I don’t need money."

"Not money, I have other things that might be of interest to you." She tilts her head back and Marie catches a glint of a beautiful amethyst necklace. "I’m just asking you to come meet my daughter, and tell the Volturi that she’s not an immortal child. She’s something different."

Marie looks at the stranger’s jewelry, at her thinly veiled desperation. “Fine,” she says. “Let me finish eating, and then let’s get my sister, and then we’ll see if we can help you.”

"Hurry," Lydia says. 


	2. Mike & Professor Hickey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Mike and Hickey handcuffed together"  
> (Community crossover)

"I have to keep you two together until we can figure out which one of you is evil," Abed says.

"It’s me," Mike says. "I’m the evil one, and I’ve had just about enough of this shit."

"Are you sure you’re the evil one?" Hickey asks.

"Yeah," Mike says. He picks the handcuff, pulls a gun out of his ankle holster, and walks backwards out of the study room, pistol pointed at Abed.

"Well, I guess that does settle that," Abed says. "You’re free to go, Hickey."

Hickey shakes his head. “You’ve been getting away with this for too long, Abed.”

"What else was I supposed to do when confronted with a surprise twin? Obviously one of you is evil."

Britta runs into the study room and says, “Holy shit, Professor Hickey just pulled a gun on me! … wait, how did you get here so fast?”

"It wasn’t me. It was my evil twin," Hickey replies with a shrug.

"You have an evil twin?"

"Apparently."

"Well, bring him back! We should do psych experiments on you. I could write a book!" Britta says.

"Nope," Hickey says, and leaves to join Mike at the Red Door.


	3. Zombie AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zombie AU

"Yo, uh… do you see those?" Badger asked, looking out the window.

Skinny Pete looked away from the TV and frowned. “It’s not Halloween, is it?”

"No, man, it’s like April."

"Right. Right. Are we… we’re not tripping, are we?"

"I’m pretty sure I’ve just had weed today, and like… not even that much."

"So… "

"So those are probably zombies, right?" Badger asked, gesturing at the pair awkwardly ambling down the street.

"Uh. Should we call the police or something?" Skinny Pete asked skeptically.

"No way, man, who knows if we can trust the police?" Badger asked. "We’ve planned for this."

"RIght. Right."

"Uh… what did we plan?"

"Weapons. We need weapons," Badger said. "And food, probably."

"Oh yeah, we were gonna stock up on canned food and shit," Skinny Pete said thoughtfully. "Did we even do that?"

"No, I don’t think so, but… I’ve got some crystal?"

"I dunno, if zombies are attacking, maybe we should be sober?"

"But maybe we need like, the extra energy. To get away."

"Maybe," Skinny Pete says. "First maybe we should go to Walmart and stock up on supplies."

"No way, Walmart’s gonna be crazy crowded. We should go to Kmart. Nobody ever goes to Kmart."

"Oh, yeah, good point," Skinny Pete says, nodding vigorously.

"I’ll put the crystal in my pocket in case we need it, while we’re out."

"Do you think zombies like to get high?"

"Whoa, do you think if they eat our brains while we’re high, they’ll get high?"

"Whoa," Skinny Pete said. "Whoa."

"Or if we’re high and we get infected, we’ll stay high?"

"Man, let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that."


	4. At the Carwash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "How about Jesse working at the A1A car wash (he's shift supervisor, yo!) and showing Junior how to run the register, instead of Skyler."

"Jesse, thanks for coming in on such short notice. I owe you one," Dad said.

"Yeah, uh, no problem," Jesse said. Flynn carefully watched the guy whose name his dad had called him.

"Junior, uh, make sure you listen to Jesse. He’ll show you how to use the cash register and all that. Jesse—you’re sure you can work the cash register, right? Surely you’ve held some kind of minimum wage job before?”

"Jesus, Mr. White, you want me to help or not?"

"All right, all right. I’ll be back as soon as I possibly can."

"Whatever," Jesse said, rolling his eyes. "Uh, good to meet you… do you want me to call you Junior?"

"Flynn. I go by Flynn but m-my dad never remembers."

"Sounds like him," Jesse said. "All right. You’ve taken like, sixth grade math, right?"

"Uh, y-eah. I’m in high school. I’m not r-retarded or anything."

"Yeah, I know. I just mean, you can totally work this cash register without help. It’s like… not that hard."

"I tried telling my dad that but he didn’t listen.”

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Jesse muttered. "Okay, here comes our first customer. What’s that dumb thing we’re supposed to say?"

"H-have an A-1 day," Flynn said.

"Yeah, that. Okay, you got this," Jesse said, and he leaned back against the counter to watch Flynn handle it.


	5. Snowed In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Walt and Jesse, Stuck Someplace Together in Winter"

"Jesse, this is a problem. I told my wife I was going on a Native American vision quest in the desert. I can’t exactly tell her I’m snowed in."

Jesse shrugs. “Yo, not my problem what you told your wife. I told you I could handle this on my own. I’m the one who knows Snake anyway.”

"Oh, right. I’m supposed to just trust you to go to Colorado and do business with your little junkie friends?"

"Right, sorry, I forgot. I can’t cook, I can’t do business, but I can control the weather. Real sorry about this freak snowstorm, Mr. White. God! You ever hear of, you know, global warming?"

Mr. White sighs and turns on the Weather Channel. Jesse grabs his hoodie and heads for the door.

"Jesse, where are you going? It’s 10 below out there."

"Don’t worry, I’ll be back before the snow melts," Jesse says. Shivering out in the parking lot of the Motel 6, he smokes a cigarette and texts his friend Snake again, hoping for a reply. Finally, he flicks his butt into a snowbank and retreats to the lobby, where he gets a styrofoam cup of shitty free coffee.

He and Mr. White both want this deal to go down, but it’s seriously not Jesse’s fault if it doesn’t. Like, who does Mr. White think he is, Bobby fucking Drake? He’s just about to head back up to his room when someone covered in head to toe fleece stomps into the lobby.

She takes off her fleece lined hood and says, “Yo, Jesse.”

"Snake! You made it!"

"Yeah, what, you think a little snow’s gonna stop me? I live in Colorado."

"What’s on your feet?"

"Snowshoes, man. So, uh, you got the…" she says, pulling the snowshoes off.

"Yeah, yeah, let’s go to my room," Jesse says, glancing at the unattended reception desk.

"Don’t worry, the manager here is cool," Snake says. "We go to the same dispensary."

Down the hall, Jesse can hear Mr. White lying to his wife through the thin walls. He ignores that and leads Snake into his room. He can’t wait to show Mr. White the fat stacks he’s about to make. Plus, Snake says she knows somebody who will deliver pizza on cross-country skis for the right price. _Fuck yeah, Colorado_ , Jesse thinks.


	6. Honey, I'm Home!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Honey I’m home!” badger/skinny pete

"Yo, you’re late!" 

"Sorry, man, traffic was hectic," Skinny Pete said. He set the takeout containers on the coffee table and leaned in for a kiss. 

"You missed the first ten minutes," Badger said, muting the TV, which was currently showing a commercial for KFC. He knew Pete had just brought home Chinese, like he always did on Thursday nights, but the commercial was totally making him want fried chicken.

"Isn’t that, like, the whole point of Tivo?"

"Yeah, but then we’ll miss out on all the livetweeting."

"Okay, fine, just catch me up on what I missed, then. Quick, before the commercials are over!"

Badger grinned and looked down at his Twitter feed’s #scandal column to refresh his memory. “Okay, so, like, you are not even going to believe what Olivia did.”


	7. Honey, I'm Home (again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "'Honey, I'm home' -- Jesse and Britta"

Jesse brought the reusable tote bags into the kitchen and started unpacking them. Britta came out of the living room and said, “Hey! You’re back!”

"Yeah, I think I got everything on the list. Oh, except, they didn’t have any organic kale, so I got organic broccoli? I know you like broccoli."

"Aww, I do like broccoli. It doesn’t really work for the recipe I was going to make, but… that’s fine."

"I got veggie bacon, too."

"Are you sure it’s veggie bacon? Because last time—"

"No, I totally read the label twice to make sure," Jesse said, handing the box over.

"You’re the best," Britta said, inspecting it to make sure. "Here, I’ll put the other bag away."

"No, don’t worry about it," Jesse said, clutching the other bag. "Go finish your paper and I’ll make dinner."

"Are you hiding something?"

"What? No, um, no way."

"Oh my god Jesse, you know you’re a terrible liar. Just let me see."

"Fine," Jesse mumbled. He handled over the other grocery bag.

Britta opened it and extracted two large bags of Funyons. She looked down at them and then back at Jesse. “This isn’t a cover-up for another bag filled with meth, is it?”

"No!"

"Okay, then why are you hiding your snacks from me?"

"I just… I dunno. I know you like organic food and stuff. And I didn’t want you to, like, be mad. Or disappointed. I guess. Also Funyons make your breath smell really bad."

Britta said, “Look, I know we haven’t been married that long, and also that I don’t even believe in marriage, but… that’s not the point. The point is, um, I love you and you can eat whatever you want. I don’t want you to think I’m some kind of food control freak. Because I’m totally not.”

"Oh. Cool."

"I mean, as long as it’s not from a factory farm."

"Oh yeah. Totally. Those are the worst," Jesse said. Before they’d gotten married, he and Britta had watched several documentaries about the meat industry. They were not good date movies. "Um, since there wasn’t any kale… how about if I order pizza for dinner?"

"Perfect. And if you don’t mind sharing your Funyons, we can eat those too," Britta said. She smiled.

Jesse smiled back. He realized he totally wouldn’t mind if she had Funyon breath, and he figured that meant love for sure.


	8. Honey, I'm Home (yet again)

"I still can’t believe we got _married_ ," Britta said. 

"But… like, we love each other," Jesse said. 

"I know, but it’s such a disgusting, old-fashioned, patriarchal concept. Especially since gay marriage isn’t legal in Colorado yet.”

"I mean, we were already sharing an apartment and a Netflix account. Now we can share our health insurance."

"That’s true," Britta said.

"Also, it was a good sweeps week event," Abed said.

"Abed! How long have you been here?" Britta asked.

"This whole time. I came by to see if Jesse still had my Kickpuncher DVDs and then I realized your conversation was interesting, so I hid behind the couch to listen."

"Oh, yeah, I totally do still have them," Jesse said. He pulled them off the top of the DVD player and said, "Thanks for letting me borrow these."

"Also here, this is a wedding present. I know social norms say I should have wrapped it and brought to your reception yesterday, but the eBay seller didn’t ship it in time, and also it came wrapped in this padded envelope so I didn’t see why I should unwrap them from that and put them in something else."

"That’s very environmentally responsible of you," Britta said.

Jesse opened the envelope and said, “Whoa!”

Britta looked and said, “Is that what I think it is?”

"Yes, it’s an import DVD of a 1988 documentary about whalers narrated by Nicolas Cage. It was banned in the USA for its profane language and extremist stance."

"It’s perfect," Britta said.

"Yeah, thanks, yo," Jesse agreed.

"You’re welcome. Congratulations on your marriage. I sincerely hope that you’re both able to overcome your psychological damage and have a happy life together."

"Uh… yeah, thanks," Jesse said.

"I think your facial expressions mean I should leave now. Goodbye," Abed said.

After he left, Jesse waved the DVD of _Black Death for Blue Whalers_ at Britta and said, “See? Another reason why being married is awesome is people give you stuff like this.”

"What’s yours is mine," Britta said, and put it in the player.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Honey I’m home!” BRITTA PERRY/JESSE PINKMAN


	9. Jurassic Park AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 3-line fic meme, "Jesse Pinkman Jurassic Park"

"Jesse, I’m scared!" Brock called.

"Um… just… don’t move," Jesse said, hoping Mike had been right about T. rexes tracking movement. 

The dinosaur roared, and Jesse wished he’d never left Albuquerque.


	10. School Recital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "How about Mike goes to some sort of school recital or something for Kaylee and Jesse is there for Brock and they awkwardly have to decide if they're going to acknowledge each other or pretend they don't know each other? (I know Kaylee and Brock are super unlikely to go to the same school but WHATEVER.)"

"I’m so glad you could get off work to come to Brock’s recital," Andrea said. "It’s such a relief not to have to sit through this by myself, or with my mom."

Jesse smiled and put his arm around her, carefully. The bleachers in the elementary school gym were crowded, and he didn’t want to accidentally grope somebody’s mom or something. “Yeah, me too! I think it’ll be fun.”

"Fun? You haven’t been to one of these things before, have you?" she asked, skeptically.

"Uh, I mean, I went to my little brother’s stuff, sometimes," Jesse said with a shrug. He wondered if Jake was still doing concerts and stuff. He hoped he was.

"Well. I mean, of course Brock is adorable, but the problem is…” Andrea lowered her voice to a confidential whisper and said, “…there’s all these other kids in the way!”

Jesse laughed and looked at his program, printed on green paper in Comic Sans. “Well I, for one, look forward to seeing Mrs. Lopez’s class perform Fifty Nifty United States. Oh, hey, it says they’re having a bake sale in the lobby to raise money to buy new recorders. You want anything?”

"Maybe a bottle of water?"

"You say that now, but I know how it is. I’ll come back with a cookie for me and you’ll be all, ooh, Jesse, can I have a bite?" Andrea swatted him playfully, and he carefully made his way out of the bleachers without stepping on anyone’s toes. He bought 2 chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of water, enjoying the normalness of it all.

Then, walking back into the gym, he caught sight of a familiar face. Mike was sitting alone at the end of a row, calmly working on a crossword puzzle. Jesse froze. Mike looked up from the puzzle, nodded once and went back to it.

Jesse kept walking back to Andrea. His hands were shaking. He’d thought Gus trusted him now. Why was he sending Mike to watch him? Did he think Jesse was selling meth at an elementary school? What kind of junkie did they think he was?

"Thanks, baby," Andrea said, when he handed over the water and a cookie. "Chocolate chip is my favorite!"

"Duh," Jesse managed to say. "It’s everyone’s favorite."

"You okay? You seem…" Andrea trailed off, unable to pinpoint how exactly Jesse seemed.

"Uh, I guess I’m just like, nervous. Like for Brock. You know?"

“You’re so sweet, Jesse. Don’t worry, though. The way these things go, even if he messes up, nobody will notice.”

Then the lights went down and the school music director came out to introduce the evening. Jesse forgot about Mike sitting in the audience and just enjoyed the show, for whatever it was worth. It was both adorable and also, as Andrea had hinted, pretty terrible. But Brock did fine, and Jesse clapped and cheered for him as loudly as he could.

Afterward, families milled around, taking photos and congratulating their kids’ classmates. Jesse noticed Mike talking to a young girl. Mike noticed him noticing, and he took the girl’s hand and walked over to Jesse.

"Hi, Jesse, this is my granddaughter Kaylee. Kaylee, this is my friend Jesse."

"Uh, hi, Mike. Hey, Kaylee. Good job tonight," Jesse managed. He hadn’t known Mike even had a granddaughter. The old guy was pretty tight-lipped about his personal life. "Uh, do you know Brock?"

Kaylee looked behind Jesse and pursed her lips. “Not really. I’m in fifth grade,” she said grandly.

"Oh, yeah, of course. Well, uh, good to meet you Kaylee. I’ll see you around."

"See you around," Mike repeated.

On their way home, Andrea said, “Who was your friend? I didn’t know you knew any of the parents at Brock’s school.”

"Oh, uh, it’s Mike. He, uh, used to work with my dad. His granddaughter goes there I guess."

"Oh, that’s nice. You should have introduced me."

"Sorry, I totally will next time," Jesse said, wondering if there would be a "next time."


	11. Walt & Gale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Walt being kind to Gale.

Walt carefully kept his face neutral as he bit into the vegan mock chicken salad sandwich Gale had insisted upon bringing for him.

“Good, right?” Gale asked, anxiously waiting for Walt’s reaction.

“It’s, uh, I’ve never had anything like it!” Walt said.

“I make my own veganaise,” Gale said, his tone low and confidential. “It’s much creamier than the storebought kind.”

“I’ll bet,” Walt said. “Hey, thanks so much for bringing lunch–I just remembered, I promised my wife I’d pick up a prescription for her, and I know she doesn’t want to wait until tonight.”

“Oh, no! Is she alright?”

“What? Oh, she’s fine. Just, you know, lady stuff,” Walt said vaguely. “But I’d better run out and do that before the next round of titration.”

“Yes, of course,” Gale said. “I can hold down the fort here, no problem!”

“Thanks, Gale,” Walt said. “I appreciate it.” He took the rest of his sandwich with him out of the superlab and threw it away in the trashcan of the nearest McDonald’s.


	12. The stars or space, Mike Ehrmantraut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For biblionerd07 on Tumblr

“What’s this you’re watching, Junebug?”

“Dancing With the Stars.”

“Is that Bristol Palin?”

“Yeah, Bristol. She’s pretty.”

“She’s what we’re calling a star now?”

“Pop-Pop, you’re silly.”

“Let’s turn this off. You want to play Hungry Hippos?”

“Sure.”


	13. Broken Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Mike & Lydia, Broken Glass

“It’s okay,” Mike says, his tone soothing. “I’ll get a mop.”

“It’s not okay,” Lydia says, her hands still shaking. She doesn’t appreciate Mike talking to her like she’s a child. “Do you know how much that bottle of wine was worth?”

Mike eyed the pieces on the floor and shrugged. “Less than we’ll make tomorrow.“

“Still–” Lydia’s not sure how she intended to finish that sentence, and it doesn’t matter, since Mike’s already gone for the mop.


End file.
